I’ve never failed an exam. I passed all my tests/exams at school. I was 3rd in my year at law school, and I passed all my professional tax exams first time (the pass rate for the Chartered Institute was an average of less than 38%). I even passed my driving test on my first try. I’m used to academic success. And that level of success doesn’t always come easily.
I taught myself GCSE economics from a book because I didn’t think my teacher was giving me what I needed to succeed. I passed with flying colours. I did the same with half my economics A level (you’d think I would have learned…). I’ve passed so many exams with great grades you’d think I’d feel confident sharing it with you, wouldn’t you?
But the truth is I’m not. This feels edgy. This feels HARD for me. I don’t like to share my successes because I’m afraid of what you might think of me. I’m scared I won’t fit in. I’m frightened you won’t like me, that you’ll think I’m big-headed or proud. I’m scared because I really want to be liked, I want to fit in, I want to belong.
But now I am tired of keeping myself small in case I offend someone. I’m fed up of hiding and pretending not to be the girl and the woman who achieved, and who continues to achieve. I’ve had enough of playing a small life – it’s time to show up.